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Campus Progress is proud to announce the winners of our “Conservative Course Catalog” contest.
Lately, conservatives from Rumsfeld to Rove, Harriet to Hastert, have been fleeing their jobs faster than you can say “mandate” or “mission accomplished.” And many are heading straight for a lecture hall near you. Noting this phenomenon, Campus Progress asked you, our beloved readers, to come up with the next entry for our Conservative Course Catalog while abiding by the rules.
Though we were thoroughly amused (and often frightened) by all of the catalog entries, in the end, we had two clear favorites, and thus two winners to split the grand prize. Congratulations to T. Max Redalia of Sebastopol, California, and Kyle Gracey of the University of Chicago! Each will receive a $125 gift certificate towards buying textbooks, courtesy of Powell’s World of Books. One offered a course by a gone-but-not-forgotten-but-forgetful D.C. policymaker, while the other highlighted the non-accomplishments of a current government department head.
Winning EntriesPsychology 86: The Art of Forgetting
Instructor of Record: Alberto Gonzales
Forget anything in 10 minutes or less. Learn simple mnemonic devices for replacing recent memories with creative exposition on what you wish had happened. Practice mis-remembering, mis-speaking, blanking. Prepare for testimony with phrases such as: “I don’t recall.” “I don’t remember.” “That particular meeting escapes me.” “I am not familiar with this document.” “That is not my recollection.” “I was not present.” “I don’t know what happened, but I’m certain there was no wrongdoing.” “I have no idea.” And “I’m just as confused as you are, Senator.” Students will self-induce amnesia through the use of hypnosis, “roofies”, selective brain damage and brainwashing. Grade? What grade? (Roofies Fee)
Environmental Science 120: Simplifying Endangered Species Management
Instructor of Record: Dirk Kempthorne
This course teaches simple methods for reducing the management burden from a growing list of endangered species. Strategies covered include: doing nothing – waiting a record 472 days to list a species; not doing much – identifying 279 species at risk for extinction but not listing them; and hiring someone to do it for you – like your Deputy Assistant Secretary, who improperly shared confidential documents with industry lobbyists, oil companies, and a friend she met playing online role-playing games. Other tactics will include blaming environmentalists, who sued you for not doing anything, as your reason for not doing anything. Prerequisites: Previous knowledge of science or the environment is not required.
These two entries taught all of us a valuable lesson. Even though a few conservative ideologues have left Washington’s corridors of power (ahem, Mr. “Memory”), there are more than a few contemptuous characters who still reside there…and most of us don’t even know their names.
Thanks to all who entered, and good luck with midterms!
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