Ask Mr. Right (Wing) - June 21, 2006
Wednesday June 21, 2006
We’ve created an automated supercomputer that reads your questions and offers the kind of compassionately conservative advice America needs. And, at a time when human freedom is on the march, Mr. Right (Wing) is completely human free! But fear not, Mr. Right (Wing) offers the same heartless responses you can expect from today’s leading human right-wingers. This week, the right-wing noise machine answers questions about co-workers, stealing, summer jobs, and cooking.
I love my new job, but one of my co-workers is, quite frankly, a boorish and disgusting lout. I would report him but for the fact the he’s the owner’s son. My parents taught me to speak up when something is wrong, but I’m concerned about losing my job if I make my concerns known. What should I do?
Abstinence should be the only method of contraception taught to young people in schools today, as it is the only 100% effective way to protect against transmitting sexually transmitted diseases. The healthiest choice that a young person can make with regards to sexual intercourse is to not have it. Sexual congress is a very special experience that should only be experienced within the confines of marriage. Having sex outside of wedlock increases the chances of STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Abstinence-only education will not only increase the physical well-being of the country but its moral health as well.
While I was out of the country on vacation, my friend house-sat at for me. When I came back, I noticed that some of my things were gone, yet my friend had no idea how they disappeared. I have a sneaking suspicion that he took my stuff, but I’m not sure. How do I find out whether he was the culprit?
Burning the flag of the United States of America is, without a doubt, one of the most reprehensible things that someone can do. It goes far beyond freedom of speech; it’s a slap in the face of every American who loves their country. An amendment to the Constitution outlawing flag burning is the only way to prevent the further decline of respect for authority in our society.
My friends and I were planning a weekend trip to New England. We wanted to rent a house on the beach and take a much-needed break from our demoralizing summer jobs. But Nantucket and the Cape is so expensive! I mean, $300/day! Do you know of a better resort destination?
Forget Club Med, come to Club Gitmo! Club Gitmo is a tropical paradise where “Muslim extremist and terrorist wannabes can get together for rest and relaxation.” The infidels have Nantucket, but the believers have Gitmo — a retreat from the stresses of Jihad. And every visitor receives, free of charge, their very own Koran and prayer rug! Amenities include a private chef who strictly observes Muslim dietary laws! And don’t forget to buy your Gitmo gear here!
I’m a new intern in D.C. I’ve finally gotten settled at my job, unpacked in my apartment, and done the tourist trip down to the National Mall. Besides checking out Social Capital, what’s the best way for interns to have fun in D.C. without ending up on “Nancy Grace”?
In selecting a nominee, I’ve sought to find an American of grace, judgment, and unwavering devotion to the Constitution and laws of our country. Harriet Miers is just such a person.
I’m interested in Asian fusion cooking. I know there are a lot of great Asian-fusion restaurants, but I’m interested in cooking some deep-fried salmon rolls with Chinese hot mustard or grilled Chilean sea bass with garlic ginger soy myself, at home. Can you recommend a good recipe to get me started on my way to becoming a master chef, or at least avoid burning down my kitchen?
An intelligence fusion center must be able to: (1) access and explore all government databases, including intelligence, regulatory, and law enforcement; (2) integrate the information found in those databases; (3) make independent judgments about that information; and (4) provide warning. This focus on the fusion of information from multiple sources will help to break down the bureaucratic cultures that keep crucial need-to-know government employees in the dark. Utilizing automated data-mining technology will speed the process and help DHS make sense of otherwise disparate bits of information. As DHS analysts gain experience, this process will improve greatly, providing the vital linkage of crucial information to prevent terrorism.
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