Grade This! - May 15, 2006

The latest news wrap-up: who the government’s probing, and why you’re not probing anyone.

By Brian Beutler
Monday May 15, 2006
 

Your Mother’s a Tracer!

It’s not just illegal, secret wiretapping anymore. Now, it’s been disclosed, the NSA has been conducting illegal, secret wire tracing too. For those of you making Berlusconi-esque phone calls to sex-chat lines, it’s not just grandpa watching you from heaven any more. Your Big Brother (who we all thought had died several years ago, but who’s actually been hanging around the outskirts of Washington) is watching too. The fact that most Americans seem not to care has been ascribed variously to fears about terrorism and apathy, but perhaps they’re simply aware that the same government that mistook “giant swaths of nothing” for “weapons of mass destruction” couldn’t possibly learn anything accurate—or dig up any fuel for filleting civil liberties—from vastly arbitrary records like call logs.

NSA wire tracing: F (it’s a failure in the making)
Bush Administration effort to end privacy and freedom: F (on merits, but they are workin’ hard)
Dearest grandpa, hopefully averting his eyes from heaven: A+

Truly, This is the Confidence Women Are Looking For in a Boyfriend

Speaking of grandpa (RIP), after a few years of looking down from above (or up from below depending on how dirty the old man was) in familial shame, he might experience a posthumous streak of relief after he learns that the sexual performance anxiety that you (yes you) have been experiencing lately is actually HER fault. It’s just really, really hard, er, difficult, when she wants you so bad, you dog, you. And though it doesn’t help that—instead of jogging, meeting people, going on old-fashioned dates, etc.—you’re popping pills and drinking red bull to stay up all night writing sarcastic political commentary for youth-oriented online magazines, remember that these are, at most, tertiary causes. It’s really HER fault. Just repeat that to yourself over and over again after she leaves with disgust and a smirk on her face that means she’s going to tell EVERYONE. It’s all HER fault. It’s all HER fault.

Sexual performance anxiety: Dude, how should I know. Man?
Sexual revolution: Woulda gotten an A, but in light of these side-effects, B-
HER: F (or was that you?)

Radio Station to Abandon "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" For a While

In the continuing saga of the awesome evolution of the radio DJ, “[a] syndicated disc jockey with one of [New York City’s] leading hip-hop radio stations was arrested this afternoon for making on-air threats to track down and sexually abuse the 4-year-old daughter of a rival, the police said.” The DJ in question is one Troi Torain, who goes by the name DJ Star. I suppose this technically lends credence to the slippery-slope pronouncements of the Jerry Falwell—esque people who railed against DJs like Howard Stern. “First you allow Stern to say ‘lesbian’ on the air, and next, his protégés are running around raping our daughters!” Or some sort of equally absurd logic. The story hasn’t reached a resolution yet, but there are some hints about what direction it might take: “The next day, City Councilman Peter F. Vallone Jr., of Queens, a former prosecutor and the head of he Public Safety Committee, sent a letter with a transcript of D.J. Star’s remarks directly to Police Commissioner Raymond W. Kelly.” When an underage sex case is sent to a police commissioner named R. Kelly, you just know that the dude’ll get away with it.

DJ Star: F
Stern: B-
R. Kelly as police commissioner: If it was actually him and not this guy, D-

Chaplains Angered at Al-Qaeda Being the Only Ones Allowed to Scream About Their God Before Killing People

In the latest skirmish in the continuing, punishing war against Christians, “The House passed a $513 billion defense authorization bill yesterday that includes language intended to allow chaplains to pray in the name of Jesus at public military ceremonies, undercutting new Air Force and Navy guidelines on religion.” Maybe we in the United States of Canada have a sense that the government is turning into a militant, military arm of the religious right, but based on the blustering fulminations of people like Sean Hannity, one might get the impression that some day soon Jews, Muslims, and Zoroastrians will take over the nation and turn it into a peaceful, Kosher place to live. How boring. Good for the PR, though, that we allow public cries to Jesus before each battle in our “non-Holy” war on those people who all happen to like Mohammed an awful lot.

Specific religious prayer + Military: F
Zoroastrians: B? I actually don’t know. Cool robes, though.
Kosher, peaceful countries: How should I know? I’m an American

Got an item you’ve graded and want to submit it for the next wrap-up? Send your submissions to cpwebmaster@campusprogress.org.

 
Brian Beutler graduated from UC Berkeley in 2004 and has interned at The Washington Monthly and the Brookings Institution. He writes for the Washington City Paper.

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