Grade This! – May 9, 2006
The latest news wrap-up: Pundits ponder L’Affaire Colbert while praying they have a hooker story to talk about.
By Brian Beutler
Tuesday May 9, 2006
Of Course That’s Just His Opinion, He Could Be- Wait, That Was Dennis Miller. This Title Sucks
Stephen Colbert’s performance at the White House Correspondents Dinner took place more than a week ago now, but his name swirled around the critical pages of American journalism all of last week. After his performance, he was—depending on whom you asked—either crowned the newest (whitest) king of comedy, or the purveyor of second-rate stand-up and rude behavior. Those decrees came from, uh, predictable constituencies. Here’s a new interpretation though: Some of his lines were funny, but his flow was off, and it didn’t help that (on television anyhow) the crowd didn’t seem to be in his corner. But what if Colbert was engaging in a deeply cerebral and ironic act of performance criticism. Bear with me. Colbert’s job was to come on stage and make a bunch of members of the media laugh by playing his television personality—yet another member of the media. But since his main point is that members of the media are derelict in their duties, doesn’t it follow that he (while playing one) should fail to do what he was tasked with? Maybe it was dry on purpose. Maybe he slammed the president not just because he holds the president in contempt but because he knew it would fall flat. Or maybe I’m full of shit and it WAS funny but, because he attacked his audience, it lacked a laugh track like the one the audience gladly provided to the president himself.
Colbert: A (if you’re a progressive) or C- (if you’re useless)
White House Correspondence Dinner: B- (as a concept)
Sensitive media-types: F
Be a Responsible Elected Official or I’ll Shoot You in the Face and Curse at You
It’s a good thing that somebody from our government publicly told Russian President Vladimir Putin that he needed to "have open, honest, frank discussions about [his] views." It’s slightly problematic that those words came from our government’s least open, least honest, least frank autocrat. In fact, it’s suspicious enough to raise an important question: Does Dick Cheney want reform from Putin because he’s an oblivious hypocrite, or because he doesn’t think the world is big enough for both of them. Seems like it could just be a niche problem, and once we invade Russia and clumsily dispose of Mr. Putin, Mr. Cheney can obfuscate to his hearts content without any former KGB punks cramping his style.
Dick Cheney: D (averaged from his A for standing up to Putin, and his F for everything else he’s ever done)
Putin: F
Applying Darwinian principles to political corruption: D. Seriously. Way too complicated. Cheney’s just an oblivious hypocrite.
A Rolling Snowball Gathers Some Goss
Leave it to the media to go looking for some sort of deeper explanation for Porter Goss’s resignation and come up with predictable, liberally-biased pap: Goss was incompetent; the president hated him; the CIA was already broken; weaving it together with other intelligence agencies was too tall an order for even the most skilled intelligence expert; Goss had a penchant for hookers (ok, the last one is just left-field conjecture). Yeah, yeah. We’ve heard it ALL before. Some might consider stories like this just more grist for the mill, but they’ve missed the bigger picture here. Goss resigned because, well, his job was done. Call it “pulling a Brownie”.
Porter Goss: F (objectively, this is true)
Legal CIA operations: A-D, depending.
The continuing dissolution of the American government: F
The Worst Commencement Remarks Ever
In the last week, America’s biggest, baddest academics have pointed their towering intellects at some of life’s greatest mysteries (while you were slaving away at a probably-irrelevant term paper) and they came up with some positively confounding explanations. On the one hand, young people—it turns out—tend to have sex. You see, a Harvard study, according to the LA Times found that “virginity pledges, in which young people vow to abstain from sex until marriage, have little staying power among those who take them.” Likewise, many of those same young people drink. And when—as a direct corollary to living life in the fast lane—things go horribly, horribly wrong, people don’t confront the issues head on, but instead try to distract themselves from their misery. Often with booze and sex. Yeah, I know. These mechanics are pretty unpredictable, and I may have lost you along the way. That’s why you’re a student, on the cusp of entering an uncertain economy, and your professors have given themselves life-time appointments to investigate the mysterious decisions of simple people like you.
Term papers: D
Your term paper: at least a B (or daddy takes the T-Bird away)
Being young, fun, and fertile as opposed to old, sclerotic, and befuddled by the mundane: A+
Got an item you’ve graded and want to submit it for the next wrap-up? Send your submissions to cpwebmaster@campusprogress.org.
Brian Beutler graduated from UC Berkeley in 2004 and has interned at The Washington Monthly and the Brookings Institution. He writes for the Washington City Paper.
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Comments
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Colbert: A+
— Richard Patten - May 11, 02:41 PM - #A+ Colbert is THE ONLY JOURNALIST – WHO ACTUALLY AND FINIALLY HAS HAD THE COURAGE TO STAND UP AND TELL THE REAL TRUTH TO THE PRESIDENT IN FRONT OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE who have been lied to by the presient and the press throughout this administration. Colbert was very funny in an audience that has been bought out and publishing the presidents lies. They were shocked to hear anyone who had the courage to speak truth and afraid to laugh in fear of acknowledging the lies. They were unable to laugh at themselves as they have been the president’s mouthpiece for his continuing lies and his aides in taking away rights as they print and justify their lies. They looked like the puppets they’ve become that had lost their sense of humor.
— marilyn katz - May 11, 04:05 PM - #Brian’s Colbert Article D
Steve Colbert A-
Hey Brian, I give you a D because you have now made me way too confused.. I was much happier thinking that Colbert was a ballsy hero, who was snubbed by the press after he brutally insulted them(see NYTimes article that claimed Colbert ‘just wasnt that funny’) As we all know, some of the lines were quite funny, some not, but the overall piece was so timely and shocking, that we should all just be saying, “Yeah, it was awesome.” and thats it, end of story. And if we must talk about it, lets talk about how much the press deserves the criticism leveled by Steve Colbert, and not about the incorrect criticism the press leveled on Steve. Wait, see how confused i’ve become?
— Dylan - May 12, 06:28 PM - #