Grade This! - March 7, 2006
The latest news wrap-up: Alito sends sweet nothings, but definitely not via cell phone.
By Brian Beutler
Tuesday March 7, 2006
Yeah, That’s The Ticket. No, Really, That’s a Ticket
Here, from The Washington Post, is a state-of-the-law report on “Hands Free D.C.”—a catchphrase for the new regulation that prohibits Washington drivers from talking on their cell phones while driving. The story examines the law, and the larger issue of driving safety, from many angles: Its provisions are routinely ignored; hands free units don’t stop distraction; we can’t really be safe behind the wheel unless we drive alone, in foam cars, with devices around our heads that make sure we’re looking ahead, and constantly checking our mirrors; etc. But it neglects my own theory about cell-phone restrictive laws: They’re unsafe. If people adhered to them, that might not be the case, but since the law is bound to be ignored, the city has ensured that, when people chat while driving, they’ll now be looking every which way for cops, too. Suddenly a two-item multitask has gotten 50% more complicated, and the chances of driving straight into a telephone pole have increased by a similar margin. Ever think of that Mayor Williams?
My cell phone: A
Driving while talking on the phone: D-
How annoyed I’ll be when I get my own $100 ticket: F
We Recently Determined George Bush Sought to Ignore Significant Quantities of Reality From His Advisors
The day after Associated Press uncovered video footage of the president watching video footage of a hurricane expert warning that Katrina might very well break the levees—accompanied by yet more video footage of George Bush bold-facedly asserting that nobody anticipated broken levees— National Journal released a story about a different, perhaps much bigger, lie. Two heavily classified documents, both part of Bush’s famously short reading list, indicate that, very early on, he knew his intelligence agents were skittish about the both the idea that Sadaam Hussein’s aluminum tubes were for nuclear weapons and the now-laughable thought that Hussein would attack us. That, of course, didn’t stop him from pouncing on those two very threats. Hmmm…puzzling…think think…. I’ve got an explanation! Though he knew Iraq was probably not a threat, George Bush went to war anyhow. You know,just to be on the safe side. But it went SO badly that, after he was told that Katrina was a HUGE threat, he decided, prudently, not to do anything. I guess it’s smarter than bombing a hurricane, right? Good to see he’s learning from his mistakes.
Hussein’s nuclear program: D-
Katrina’s destructive potential: off the charts
The George W. Bush learning curve: F
 So They Were Passing Notes in Study Hall and Then They Totally Swapped Friendster Profiles and Oh My God He Wants To Marry Him and Have Like Five Thousand of His Babies
Although his first vote was surprisingly liberal (or at least liberal compatible), Associate Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito is sending thank you notes to the pseudo-religious wackos who prayed for his confirmation. It could very well be a brush off and totally harmless. But religion’s a weird thing. If Alito thinks prayers got him confirmed, and if the prayers were only issued because James Dobson called for them, then hasn’t Alito sold him his soul, Faustus style? Of course, if we’re going to make that comparison, then Judge Alito is Dr. Faustus and Dobson is Mephistopheles….the Devil….which, judging the man’s record objectively, actually seems plausible.
Alito: C-
Dobson: F
High falutin’ literary references: D- (I swear it won’t happen again—or my name isn’t Michel Foucault)
My Granddad Can Uncover the Intrinsic Mysteries of the Building Blocks of Life Faster Than Your Granddad
This month’s Harper’s features, surprisingly, a 15 page article by Celia Farber, the widely discredited AIDS denialist. In her latest piece she praises the work (or rather lambastes the universal criticism) of Peter Duesberg, a scientific pariah from UC Berkeley who believes, among other things, that HIV does not cause AIDS and that AIDS is itself a hodgepodge of disorders that are actually the toxic side effects of drug use. But never mind all that. She makes a huge error: “[Duesberg] was the youngest member, at age fifty, ever elected into the National Academy of Sciences.” But a quick check of the NAS website indicates that, while Duesberg was in fact elected in 1986, they had already elected a young scientist named Ernest Beutler—my grandfather—10 years earlier. My grandfather was born in 1928, meaning that he was inducted at the ripe old age of 48…maybe even 47. I realize that if you’re drastically wrong about AIDS, then it might be hard to understand that 48 is less than 50, and I have no idea if other, younger researchers were elected before him, but it only takes one youthful academic (and decades of AIDS research) to render Celia Farber totally wrong.
Celia Farber: F
The National Academies: A
Harper’s for running this dreck: F
My Grandfather: A+
Got an item you’ve graded and want to submit it for the next wrap-up? Send your submissions to cpwebmaster@campusprogress.org.
Brian Beutler graduated from UC Berkeley in 2004 and has interned at The Washington Monthly and the Brookings Institution. He writes for the Washington City Paper.
Illustration: August J. Pollak
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