Grade This! - February 6, 2006
The latest news wrap-up: fake quotes about salt and hidden quotes about oil.
By Brian Beutler
Monday February 6, 2006
Take Your News With a Grain of… Never Mind
Calling to mind Monty Python’s “funniest joke in the world” (punch line: assaulted peanut), Newsweek ran this correction to an article about Christians in College Debate:
“Correction: In the original version of this report, NEWSWEEK misquoted Falwell as referring to ‘assault ministry.’ In fact, Falwell was referring to ‘a salt ministry’—a reference to Matthew 5:13, where Jesus says ‘Ye are the salt of the earth.’ We regret the error.”
Proving once again that the mainstream media is run by godless liberal heathens.
Newsweek: C
Falwell: D
Falwell, if he actually embarked on a violent assault ministry: A
Monty Python: A+
And Then They’ll Buy Everyone a Pony
Exxon announced its profits had topped $10 billion, shattering its very own record. This comes a few months after Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska unburdened the nation’s biggest oil executives of being under oath, as they reassured all Americans that their earnings were healthy and a result of simple supply and demand economics. For the opposition, The Washington Post ran this quote from Shawnee Hoover, of the group Exxpose Exxon: "Exxon needs to be reinvesting those profits in a way that is going to benefit the whole of the American public, like clean energy, for one." Good luck with that one, Shawnee.
Ted Stevens: D
Goals of Exxpose Exxon: A
Effectiveness of Exxpose Exxon: C+
 President Bush Messes Up Brilliant "La La La La We Can’t Hear You" Plan
The President’s “addicted to oil” bromide caught some members of his party off-guard. U.S. News quoted several – all off the record – concerned that his remarks were tinctured with lefty commie pinko rhetoric and would – in the end – somehow provide an opening for Osama bin Laden. One even got nasty: “Does no adult vet his speeches for political hot spots that will damage our team?” Huh. And this guy: “The left is going to rub my guy’s nose in this language from now through November and beyond it. It will be ugly. We will have to eat his words.” It almost makes you want to cry for them, and for the difficulty this will cause their reckless profiteering, doesn’t it?
George Bush: D
George Bush, if anything he said was sincere: C+
The Whining Oil Lobbyists: A (for the laughs)
President Bush Introduces Brand New "La La La La We Can’t Hear You" Plan
Keeping on the oil theme, James Hansen, NASA’s chief climate scientist, claimed that Bush administration officials tried to silence him after he delivered a speech warning that without an immediate drop in energy (fossil fuel) consumption, the world would become “a different planet.”
That shouldn’t be terribly surprising, though. What we know – perhaps more than anything else – about this President is that his leadership absolutely hinges on information control. The difference in this case is that there’s no room for interpretation. Iraq, for instance, could go a number of different ways and Bush could plausibly say that the people he slapped down for straying from the reservation (cough, Shinseki, cough) were in some way sapping momentum from the operation. Global warming, on the other hand, is not affected by spin, just emissions, and for that reason there’s only one motive behind firing James Hansen, if that’s what ultimately happens: Keeping Americans in the dark. Luckily, James Hansen isn’t easily intimidated. He went on NPR anyhow.
James Hansen: A+
George Bush’s NASA: D
The world, when Hansen’s predictions come true: F
Got an item you’ve graded and want to submit it for the next wrap-up? Send your submissions to cpwebmaster@campusprogress.org.
Brian Beutler graduated from UC Berkeley in 2004 and has interned at The Washington Monthly and the Brookings Institution. He writes for the Washington City Paper.
Illustration: August J. Pollak
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