The Campus Progress Inexcusable Misquote Contest – The Winners

Last month, Campus Progress celebrated its first National Student Conference with some great student activism, organizing events, top-notch speakers, and of course, being completely smeared by right-wing media. As the target of perhaps the worst of the right-wing smear attacks, Paul Begala agreed to help Campus Progress make some tangy lemonade out of the rotten fruit tossed at us by CNSNews.com, the Washington Times, Rush Limbaugh, Matt Drudge, and many others.

And so the Inexcusable Misquote Contest came to be: In the wake of CNSNews’ decision to take a quote from Begala and deliberately misinterpret what he said in an effort to make progressives look bad, and other right-wing outlets’ decision to repeat this falsehood, we asked readers to submit their ideas for distorting other famous quotes.

The entrants were judged by how creatively they could distort an actual historical quote. After careful review by Paul Begala and the rest of our blue-ribbon panel of judges (OK, all of whom work in our office), Duncan Stevens of Vienna, Virginia, who submitted several great entries, is our grand prize winner!

Here’s his winning entry:

• Abraham Lincoln: I Hate America
  Illinois Senate candidate Abraham Lincoln revealed yesterday that he loathes his country. Describing the nation as a "house divided," Lincoln admitted that he "cannot stand" the United States.

Here are a few more of Duncan ’s entries that top the honorable mention list:

• Gingrich Unveils Plan to Kill Entire Population; Admits He Has "Contract" On All of America
  


• Admiral Admits He Was Unprepared For Attack
  Admiral John Paul Jones acknowledged yesterday that, well into a key naval battle with England , that he had done nothing to resist the British invader. "I have not yet begun to fight," Adm. Jones sheepishly admitted from his burning ship. Adm. Jones did not explain his passivity in the face of the assault.
  


• Forgetful Soldiers Attach No Significance to Massacre of Americans
  Troops on the front lines at San Jacinto had to be informed yesterday of the importance of the recent massacre of American troops by Mexican leader Santa Anna. "Remember the Alamo ," an exasperated Colonel Sidney Sherman reminded the absentminded troops, who apparently considered the slaughter unimportant.

• Catholic President calls for Americans to empty Treasury for foreigners
  Massachusetts liberal John F. Kennedy has declared that the United States will surrender its operating funds to any and all foreign governments. "Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price," President Kennedy said to a stunned audience.
  Jerald Lentini
  


• Republican Party Faithfuls Shocked by First Lady’s Endorsement of Gay Marriage
  During a speech to a group of students, First Lady Barbara Bush gave a surprising and, in to some in her party, shocking endorsement of same-sex marriage: “And who knows? Somewhere out there in this audience may even be someone who will one day follow my footsteps, and preside over the White House as the president’s spouse. I wish him well!"
  Daniel B. Williams
  


• Macarthur Acknowledges Occult Membership in Army
  General Douglas MacArthur shocked members of Congress today when he intimated that members of the U.S. Army are, in fact, inhuman apparitions, otherwise known as ghosts. MacArthur raised the disturbing possibility that the national defense is controlled by satanic agents when he stated that, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away."
  Steven Collins
  


• France to Become New US State
  The people of France, tired of being rude, arrogant cowards, have decided to seek US statehood. "We are all Americans now," gleefully exclaims the headline of Le Monde, a French newspaper.
  Name not given
  


• Bush Endorses Witchcraft
  President George W. Bush broke away from his conservative history on April 20, 2005, as he admitted his passion for the occult. In an attempt to fight the rising gas prices here in the United States , President Bush revealed one of his innermost secrets while stating, "I wish I could simply wave a magic wand and lower gas prices tomorrow." As the religious right must be confused and scared at this sudden change of heart, the liberal left is ready embrace the President and awaits future changes of heart.
  Zachary Gabrielsk
  


• Thomas Jefferson Supports Gay Clone-Harvest
  Jefferson supporters were disheartened to learn that their leader had suggested that "all men" be "created equal" in what is clearly an attempt to push forward morally bankrupt cloning legislation while pandering to the homosexual agenda.
  Casey Miller

• Pres. Bush accuses Saddam Hussein of heading world-wide piracy conspiracy
  In a brief public statement regarding the results of a prolonged investigation carried out by Interpol, with the cooperation of the CIA, Pres. George W. Bush stated that Saddam Hussein had been at the head of an international piracy operation. He presented a summary of evidence that clearly linked members of the Hussein family to a world-wide conspiracy to "knock-off" al Qaeda neckwear: "There’s no question that Saddam Hussein had al Qaeda ties."