Grade This! - July 8, 2005
The weekly wrap-up: flaming bikers in Montana, a nation ready to impeach, a man on fire and more.
Pissed and Impeaching
“F*&@ Saddam, we’re taking him out.” According to Time magazine, that’s what our Prez-o-Dent said in March of 2002 behind closed doors to three senators and to then National Security Advisor Condi Rice – a full year before the U.S. invasion of Iraq. That also happens to be why so many Americans recently opened up to Zogby about their feelings towards our much misunderestimated Cowboy President: “F*&@ Bush, we’re taking him out.”
Forty-two percent of Americans, including 52 percent in Western states and a whopping 25 percent of Republicans, think that if Bush is proven to have lied about his reasons for going into war in Iraq, he should be impeached. That’s higher than public support for the Clinton impeachment while the House’s motion to remove Bubba for philanderriffic oral sex in the Oval Office was in full swing. Americans aren’t just hideously divided; they’re mad as hell about the Iraq war and want to know more – all while the specter of impeachment is nowhere nearly as visible on The Hill as it was in 1998.
Surprised how pissed Americans are now? Wait until Saudi oil shortages in 2015…
More confirmation that Americans “get it” about Iraq: A
Knowing that every time you read the word “impeachment,” you think “oral sex in the Oval Office”: C
Zogby using the “L” word: B+
Bush’s perennial professionalism in his language use: F (ha, get it?)
Energy independence on the back burner: D-
Andrew Garib, Cornell University
 Flaming Bikers Come to Montana
In that national design competition started by the U.S. Mint known as the state quarters, some folks in Montana are prepared to throw down the gauntlet. State Governor Brian Schweitzer has apparently received a few not-so-serious suggestions such as an American Indian killing Lt. Col. George Custer, ‘dudes’ riding ATVs, and a flaming skeleton riding a motorcycle on the scorched pavement of Montana. Such designs would surely put Montana back on the map: the same map we landed on for producing the Unabomber and the Freemen.
Re-enacting the Battle of Little Big Horn…on a Quarter: C
Dudes Riding ATVs…on a Quarter: D
Flaming Skeletons Riding Motorcycles: A
Flaming Skeletons Riding Motorcycles…on a Quarter: A+
Reminding Californians that they Should be Nervous Visiting Montana: A
Matt Singer, University of Montana
Lil’ Kim’s Big Fib
And I still ain’t got no time for you fuckin’ haters […]
Okay, y’all wanna play?
Like 9/11, you gon’ remember this day.
-Lyrics from “When Kim Say, Can You Hear Me Now” La Bella Mafia
After years of rapping about the high-stakes life of crime, glamour, and revenge, Lil’ Kim found herself sentenced to 366 days in prison for three counts of perjury and one count of conspiracy. Remember kids: when there’s a surveillance video that shows that you are at the crime scene with your friends, you shouldn’t make up some story about how you didn’t see what was going on (or hear the gunshots?) right in front of you.
And talk about cruel fate: A few hours after Lil’ Kim was sentenced, the wrongful death lawsuit of her deceased rotund paramour, the Notorious B.I.G., ended in a mistrial. And on the subject of mistrials—why was Lil’ Kim sentenced by a judge named Lynch?
But Judge Lynch did offer a healthy dose of perspective in comparing Lil’ Kim’s situation with that of another victimized perjurer, Martha Stewart. While Lil’ Kim didn’t get a sentence that was seven or eight times longer than Stewart’s, Judge Lynch agreed with prosecutors that Lil’ Kim’s case was “unquestionably a more serious case” because she perjured herself to protect “people carrying [fully automatic] machine guns and shooting at people.”
Being sentenced to jail instead of merely rapping about it: D
Completing her album so that she can release it before she’s in prison: A+
Judge Lynch’s Supreme Court prospects: C
Claiming a share of B.I.G.’s wrongful death money alongside his mother and his widow: Ghetto
Busting out of prison in defiance of law and order: Incomplete
John Burton, Center for American Progress
The Price of Freedom
At a time when Londoners should be celebrating being chosen for the 2012 Olympics, they are instead reeling from a series of bombings across London. There is no condoning the actions of those who express their values through violence, and there is no doubt that all people must remain firm in their resolve against terror. At the same time, however, it puts the lie to the President’s claim that we must "defeat [terrorists] abroad before they attack us at home."
Terror must be fought not only overseas, but here at home as well. However, even as the London attacks shine a spotlight on the vulnerabilities of our own transportation system, this administration has failed to act. Our chemical plants remain vulnerable while the Department of Homeland Security spends $110 for an extension cord. Our security is being governed more by politics than actual need.
Meanwhile, the average citizen remains unaware of how to deal with a terrorist attack. Duct tape? Crayola warning system? Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security’s effort to educate the public, Ready.gov has been the subject of more parody than thoughtful preparation. The president says his "greatest responsibility [...] is to protect the American people." We agree. Now, how about you get to work?
Terrorist attacks on London: F
The courage of the British people: A
Homeland security in America: D+
Andrew Fong, Harvard University
Maryland Governor Turns Back Time
A hearty thanks goes out to conservative Maryland Governor Bob Ehrlich, who finally let us know that conservatives in powerful positions really haven’t changed their opinions on the most important issues of the last 100 years. Are you an economic populist who believes that government has a role in demanding a bare minimum when it comes to treatment of employees? Ehrlich thinks the government telling businesses to do anything more than obsessively focus on the bottom-line is "bad policy."
Agree with the Civil Rights movement that discrimination based on skin color is wrong? Ehrlich not only rented campaign space from an all-white country club, but when asked about it, simply said, "it’s not my business." He’s wrong on that last count. It’s his business that is helping keep that bigoted establishment in the black. If I worked for Maryland’s Labor Department, I’d be taking a closer look at Ehrlich’s office. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was hiring 13-year-old staffers on principle.
Civil Rights: A
Economic Justice: A
Disliking Both: F
At Least Admitting It: B
Matt Singer, University of Montana
Man on Fire
In an attempt to woo his girlfriend, Todd Grannis apparently climbed 10 feet high, set himself on fire, and then jumped into a swimming pool. He then proceeded to propose to his girlfriend with the words, "Honey, you make me hot. I hope I’m getting the point across that I’m on fire for you." She accepted. I’d hate to imagine the awkwardness if she had a heart attack instead.
Doing crazy things in the name of love: A
Almost scaring your girlfriend to death: D
The movie Man on Fire with Denzel Washington: A+
Andrew Fong, Harvard University
Reid Gets Tongue Tied
On Wednesday, Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid asserted, “Alberto Gonzales is qualified [to be a Supreme Court Justice]. He’s attorney general of the United States and a former Texas judge.” Any reasonable American who respects the proper workings of the political system should appreciate Senator Reid’s efforts to limit partisan hackery and thus encourage support for the nominee from both sides of the aisle—as long as President Bush lives up to his promise of consulting before making a selection. That being said, however, Senator Reid’s comments have certainly irked many left-leaning folks who believe that a stamp of approval on Gonzales from Senator Reid creates more leverage for President Bush to name a more conservative nominee.
And this makes sense. By suggesting that Democrats would be friendly to a Gonzales nomination, Senator Reid has moved the left to the center and the center even further right. In other words, if the Republicans think that they might not get much retaliation from Democrats over Gonzales, President Bush may be more inclined not to concede Gonzales immediately and first try to push through a more controversial, conservative nominee. Certainly, the Republicans are not afraid to fight.
Senator Reid did qualify his statements by saying that although Gonzales was qualified, he didn’t know whether or not he would have an easy time getting through the Senate. Regardless, Senator Reid’s comments have given conservatives a reason to smile and Senate Democrats a reason to unify their message.
Possible Nomination of Judge J. Michael Luttig: F
Possible Nomination of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales (in comparison): A
“When a friend gets attacked, I don’t like it.”: A for laughability
Lack of a Clear Message for the Democrats: D-
Jonathan Misk, Williams College
Imaginary Gold Pavement Okay, Simple Wires Should Actually Exist
The American dream has promised a land of opportunity and gold-paved streets to generations of immigrants. Let’s focus for a moment on the lack of wires in the U.S. instead of the lack of gilding. What concerns me is the technology that should be running under our sadly ungilded pavement but is absent. The U.S. has dropped to 16th worldwide in broadband penetration. The problem is that, as opposed to many other industrialized countries, we have no concrete, national initiatives to address this slow growth, which can ultimately have tremendous negative impact on our place in the growing, globalized innovation economy. Over a year ago, President Bush stated that all Americans should have broadband access by 2007. He left out the small detail of how this would be achieved, and has still not laid out a plan for realizing this goal.
So who does have a plan for a wired future? Malaysia (a clear competitor in the race for sole-superpower status…not) recently released a plan to bolster distance education opportunities via broadband. They plan to use updated, nationwide networks to see what types of distance learning are truly valuable, and then to further implement the most effective strategies where they are needed most. This is certainly a fine model and one that we should adopt. Though wiring the population of the United States is a much larger task than that of wiring Malaysia, lack of a clear policy precludes any progress. Though I hear Malaysia is quite scenic, I hope that U.S. citizens and businesses do not have to move away from the land of faux-gilded streets to get access to real-life wires.
Streets Spray-Painted Gold: B+ for making me giddy
Malaysian Broadband Policy: A
Invisible – Read Non-Existent – Wires in the U.S.: D- (So I’m an optimist at heart… I couldn’t fail the U.S. on this one)
Max Entman, Duke University
Patrick Henry Suffers Second Death At Hands of Christian Conservatives
The New Yorker recently ran a story on Patrick Henry College, an institution that claims to offer “higher education.” And I really want to make a pun about heaven being up really high in the sky, because this is a school that trains Christian conservatives to be politicians. I’ll spare you the pun, though, and instead mention Patrick Henry student Elisa Muench. Of Elisa, Hanna Rosin writes, “Once, she shook hands with George Bush and noticed that his hands were soft, not real rancher’s hands, like her dad’s. ‘You meet him and think, He’s just a man.’” Right-o, Elisa, he’s just a man. The surprise hand softness gets at something incredibly important: for all his brush-clearing histrionics, Bush is a Connecticut-born-and-raised Yale grad. The idea that the man is totally, inexpressibly phony is probably not news to ye choir, but Rosin’s New Yorker piece reignites my utter disbelief that people like Elisa Muench fall for Bush’s deceit. I’ll be the first to criticize John Kerry, but really – Why is W more man-of-the-people than Kerry? Is it because he speaks badly? Is it because he takes long, leisurely vacations at his “ranch?” I’m sorry, but I do prefer my president to be smarter than me, and it does bother me that the average cab driver works harder at his job than our President. Anyway, Alfred Russel Wallace talks to the dead, and he said Patrick Henry keeled over and died – again – when he heard his name had been co-opted by one of our nation’s most conservative colleges.
Elisa Muench’s inability to detect the Bush hypocrisy: F
Bush’s man-of-the-people index: F
Geoff Aung, Columbia University
Lies, and the Lying Liars That Tell Them (Zogby Poll Redux)
Remember when the Downing Street Memo came out and almost no press covered it? Well, now it seems that a recent poll will suffer the same fate. While Mr. Bush’s approval rating dropped another percentage point, the statistic that should have gotten all the attention announced that 42% of Americans would favor impeachment proceedings if it is found that the President lied about his reasons for going to war with Iraq.
This poll comes on the heels of another showing that 60% of Americans believe the war was a mistake. It seems the American people have spoken, and in far greater numbers than those who even turned out to the polls on Election Day.
Impeachment proceedings that actually have to do with the state of the union: A
Lying to your country about why they went to war: Shameful
Catherine Heffernan, Brandeis University
Illustration: August J. Pollak
|
!
